On Melancholy

I had an English professor in my undergrad days. His PhD thesis was on the book The Anatomy of Melancholy, Professor McCormack is pretty sure he is the only living person to have read the book in it's original Latin.

Now I am no expert in Melancholy but re-reading my previous post it occurs to me I did not properly summarize my emotional state yesterday. Then again it is rather difficult to put into words what is going on.

On the one hand it has been exceedingly hot lately so my loss of appetite could theoretically be explained by the heat, but I doubt that. Since I've submitted the papers and completed the divorce from Lesley I find myself recalling days of old. That is to say back when she loved me.

I cannot put a precise finger on the day that Lesley stopped caring about me, but one event I recall was when I was undergoing some professional hardship and I remember she went out of town with her girlfriends. I told her to, I did not want my own difficulties to make her life at all worse. But really, shouldn't a spouse always be around in the bad times as well as the good? Not that Lesley was around much in the good times either for the last year or so that we were 'married'.

When I was still married there was a television advert, it was for a soup cracker, the image of a tomato soup with the song 'Lonley, I am so Lonely, I have nobody... etc.' playing on the audio track. I remember cleaning my ride, probably Jordan at the time, and hearing that song and it hit me, I am all alone.

I am in a much better place, yet still I recall ten years of my life, that is almost a third of my time on this planet, poof the thing that mattered more than anything else gone. In a blink of an eye. Well no, it was more drawn out than that. She just stopped loving me, and I didn't see it coming, I suddenly had a lot more time to ride. (Little wonder 2010 will probably go down as my strongest year ever, yes I'm a year older, but I've met someone else who wants me to be around the house more and on the bike less.)

I guess the moral I can draw from this... is nothing. There is, near as I can tell, no moral tale whatsoever in the post. I suppose I should stop wallowing in the past, it is good to remember but one must still live. I must endevour not to lament Lesley and the expense of those who love me.